tonari no shibafu: Just another day in the life

After my morning classes (2:30) I headed out to mail a prepaid phone to Todd. Got directions from some friendly and super polite parking meter guys to the nearest post office and was there in 3 minutes. I go in; tell the lady at the counter what I want to do and it all goes wrong. She tells me that since the cell phone has a lithium battery, they can't send it by air. Now, this thing has to get to Iwakuni - seven hundred kilometers away. By Friday.

Can I help you?

Yeah... I'd like to send this box to Yamaguchi prefecture.

Can it go any method or is it a rush?

It's a rush. Why? About how long'll it take?

Well, it has a lithium <blah, blah, blah> battery and so we can't send it by plane <blah, blah, blah> so it'll have to go by car (車) sic ...

And so how...

Four days.

Four days?

At least. It's possible that it could take longer.

Huh?

Sometimes the <blah, blah, blah> can be <blah, blah, blah> and so <blah, blah, blah> four days is the earliest I'd be <blah, blah, blah> comfortable saying.

O-k-k-k-a-a-a-a-a-y, hmmn...

You might try one of the private package delivery services.

Huh? Can they fly with lithium batteries?

I have no idea. All I can do is suggest them as an option.

Hm. Ok, I understand. ? ? ? ?

<blah, blah, blah> you <blah, blah, blah> I'm really sorry <blah, blah, blah> it can't be helped <blah, blah, blah> we're the postal service <blah, blah, blah> can you read Japanese <blah, blah, blah> as i've written here <blah, blah, blah> and I'm sure if you talk to someone at the Ministry of Land, Infrastructure, Transportation and Tourism they can tell you if the private companies can fly with those batteries or not.

Um, ok.

Do you still want to buy the box or do you want a refund?

I'll keep it.

5 MINUTE SCOOTER RIDE TO WHERE I'M SURE IVE SEEN A SIGN FOR THAT MINISTRY. RATHER THAN FACE THE PHONE-KEIGO, I CAN TALK TO A REAL PERSON. CAN 'O' CORN. AFTER TURNING AT A SIGN PURPORTING TO DIRECT DRIVERS (AND RIDERS) TO ABOVE MINISTRY, I RIDE FOR 5 MINUTES, CROSS A MAJOR NORTH-SOUTH RODE AND GET THE SINKING FEELING I'M GETTING SCREWED. SO I PULL OVER AND QUERY A GUARD WHO'SE STANDING AT THE BROKEN IN HALF LIFESAVER CANDY-SHAPED DRIVEWAY OF WHAT MUST BE AN EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE HOTEL.

Liberally translated:

Excuse me. I'm trying to get to above ministry. Came down from the area of Nihonbashi, through the Ginza and I turned at a sign claiming to lead to above ministry and that's this same road, but I've been getting the feeling I've come too far. Can you tell me which direction above ministry is?

Well, that's in Kasumigaseki... That's really far from here. You were closer when you were in Nihonbashi.

Really? Hm.

Yeah, well you tried to go there from Nihonbashi, right?

No. I just happened to be in Nihonbashi. Then I turned at the sign that said this way to above ministry.

Oh, um... well it's reallY far from here.

Really?

POINTING BACK THE WAY I CAME TO REMIND HIM THAT I MADE NO TURNS AFTER THE INITIAL ONE.

Hmmn. Let's see. Kasumigaseki. Kasumigaseki. Ok. The best thing for you to do is go to a koban. There'll be policemen in there and they can help you. If you keep going this way, you'll come to an intersection of a big street and it's there on the right-hand side. Do you know what a koban is?

Yes. I understand. Thank you.

BACK ON THE SCOOTER. FARTHER AFIELD. STOP ACROSS THE STREET FROM ABOVE KOBAN. WALK TO THE THRESHOLD.

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm trying to get to above ministry.

Above ministry? It's pretty far. You're here.

POINTS AT LARGE CARDBOARD-MOUNTED MAP.

Above ministry is here. So you wanna... <blah, blah, blah> ... can you step outside?

Huh? Ok.

...so you're here right now. You wanna go straight up this road, that's this ...

POINTS AT LARGE CARDBOARD-MOUNTED MAP.

... and eventually it turns into Roppongi Dôri. You keep on going and it's on the right. Here...

POINTS AT LARGE CARDBOARD-MOUNTED MAP.

Ok.
BACK ON THE SCOOTER. REALIZE THAT I'M ABOUT TO MAKE MOST OF THE SECOND HALF OF AN OVAL, BRINGING ME PERILOUSLY CLOSE TO HAVING SPENT 25 MINUTES TO GET BACK TO WHERE I STARTED. SEE SIGNS FOR KASUMIGASEKI. SEE SIGN FOR A MINISTRY BUT IT'S NOT ABOVE MINISTRY. SEE A COP STANDING WATCH AT AN INTERSECTION. I PULL OVER AND APPROACH HIM.

Excuse me. Can you tell me where above ministry is?

Above ministry? Yeah...um... see that building with the big white antenna?

mm-hm..

That's it. Go up to the second set of lights and turn right.

Got it. Thanks.

Be careful [going back out into traffic].

I will.

BACK ON THE SCOOTER. RECKLESSLY PULL OUT AND DART ACROSS THE INTERSECTION RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE COP IN SPITE OF THE LIGHT BEING ON THE VERGE OF TURNING RED. DETERMINE THAT TH ECOP HAD IT WRONG AND GO THROUGH THE SECOND LIGHT AND END UP HAVING TO PULL ONTO THE SIDEWALK AT THE NEXT LIGHT, WALK THE SCOOTER ACROSS THE STREET AND BACKTRACK. EVENTUALLY GETTING TO THE MAIN PLACE TO PARK. I APPROACH A SECURITY BOOTH.　　AN AGITATED SEEMING MAN COMES OUT AND STARTS MAKING ONE OF THE JAPANESE SIGNS THAT MEANS EITHER, 1) I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN DOING THIS AME JOB FOR 35 YEARS SO STATE YOUR BUSINESS, 2) YOU CAN'T RIDE BUT MUST WALK YOUR SCOOTER FROM HERE, OR 3) YOU KINDA LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT BE A TERRORIST. I EXPLAIN WHAT THE POSTAL WORKER TOLD ME AND THAT I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT.

Ok. YoU should put your scooter over there and then come back and sign some paperwork.

Ok.

..........

DEALING WITH THE SECURITY DEPARTMENT VERSION OF OLs.

So ... can you read Japanese?

Yes.

Please fill out here, here, here , here and here.

Ok.

........

You didn't fill in where you want to visit.

Well...

TELL WHOLE STORY HOPING THAT THE SURREAL NATURE OF IT'LL MAKE ME SEEM MORE COMPELLING.

So you went to the postal service and they told you no?

Yupper.

Well, the post office isn't part of the ministry anymore. On [UNVERIFIED DATE] the postal service がprivatizedされてきた. So there not part of the ministry anymore. Hey [UNREMEMBERED NAME] this person's got a problem with postal service; which ministry handles those?

<blah, blah, blah>

No.

TELL WHOLE STORY HOPING THAT THE SURREAL NATURE OF IT'LL MAKE HEAD EXPLODE AND SAVE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE.

And so, it's not that I have a complaint against the post office, it's that I want to know if this restriction is there's (the postal service) and I, therefore, have a chance of sending this by private company in timeframe.

Oh. Here's a badge, I'll show you where to go.

GET ESCORTED THROUGH THE RFID SCANNERS AND INTO A ROOM REPLETE WITH MAKE-YOU-WANNA-PLUNGE-KNITTING-NEEDLES-IN-YOUR-EYE FLUORESCENTLY LIT CUBICLES.

TELL WHOLE STORY TO MINISTRY COG HOPING THAT THIS BUREAUCRATIC FIASCO I'VE BROUGHT ON MYSELF WON'T MAKE ME LATE FOR MY NEXT CLASS. WAIT PATIENTLY WHILE EXPERT FROM UPSTAIRS COMES DOWN TO BRIEF ME.

Hello.

Hey.

HEAR WHOLE STORY

That's right.

Well, this here is printed right off their (postal service) website. Lithium batteries are only banned on international flights. For domestic, as long as the battery isn't in the phone and if it is, then the phone should be placed in a polyethylene bag. You may have to fill out a warning label with your phone number in case something happens, but you shouldn't have any problem sending it.

That was it?

Yeah.

Ok, thanks.

BACK ON THE SCOOTER. NO WARNING LABEL. EIGHT HUNDRED YEN AND IT WILL BE THERE WITHIN 36 HOURS.

* <blah, blah, blah> = something I couldn't understand